thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
