I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
