well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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