you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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