Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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