Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
