Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
