if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
