I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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