i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize