the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
