You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
