I was born with a shot glass in my hand
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize