wakey wakey hands off snakey
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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