Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
