My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just found a bag of teeth...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
