had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
