So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
