I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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