i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
