Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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