If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
