i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
