I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
