Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
