Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
