Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
