Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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