I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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