Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dignity is for republicans.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
