If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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