Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
