so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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