she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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