sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
