Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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