better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
