a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
