I wish I only lived at night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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