I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
