It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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