Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
