He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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