Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize