You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
