i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Houston, we have a blender
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
