The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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