Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
