I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
