my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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