so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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