I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize
