Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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