I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
