Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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