I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
