Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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