sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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